i’ve never really allowed myself to feel anything. when someone makes me mad, i talk a big game about how i’m tough and how nothing bothers me. when someone makes me sad, i drink it away until i’m numb and can’t put one foot in front of the other. when life hands me lemons, i reach for my bottle of klonopin so i can just go back to being numb and asleep.

for the first time in my life, i’m actually letting myself feel everything. i quit drinking (well, for the most part) 6 months ago because for the first time in my life, i was happy. i met the man i knew i was meant to share my life with. or at least, that’s what i thought. i didn’t need anything to make the pain go away.

not letting my past catch up with me caused too many problems. which, i guess, at this point is neither here nor there. i’m sober and finally feeling the effects of my breakup. and then feeling the effects of my father walking out on my family five years ago. also, i’m feeling the effects of my lost friendships. i’ve been void of true heartache and pain for 5 years. i’ve had my ups and downs. a bruise here, a scrape there. but i’ve stayed in one piece. one hollow, numb piece.

i’m sitting here staring at a bottle of ambien. i’m just dying to make the pain go away. but for some reason, i can’t bring myself to pull off the lid. i don’t like the pain that i cause myself in the future when i delay my feelings. i don’t like the pain that i feel now. but i can’t decide which is worse.

my heart is aching. i truly feel alone. and i’m not saying that so that someone can respond and say “oh i’m here, you’re never alone.” right now, i am alone. i’m in a bed that’s meant to be shared by two people and i’m sharing it with my piece of shit laptop. everyone likes to think that they’ll always be there for someone. i just wish for once that someone felt that way about me.

as it is now 403am, i have begun to stare at the ambien even more longingly. caressing the lid with my fingertips, i can already envision the extravagant dreams it will give me. dreams of flying carpets. dreams of rain forests. dreams of a psychedelic happiness that doesn’t exist in our modern world.

why would i even want to live this life when i can explore something so much sweeter? i don’t hurt. i don’t cry. i don’t have a name. i don’t even exist. i’m a hologram. a mere figment of your imagination.

i want so badly to face my feelings. i want to hit rock bottom so i can start to rebuild and live my life. i’m just afraid that when i finally let myself fall, there won’t be anyone around to catch me. or worse, the ones that are there just watch me fall and laugh and carry on with their lives.

i’ve always been the friend that everyone needed. i was the one who listened. i was the shoulder to cry on. every time i open my mouth i feel as if i’m being hushed. “you’re young, you’ll get over it.”

i want to get over it. i just don’t know how to do it without facing it or diluting it.