so as if my week hasn’t been stressful enough already, my phone rang at 1130pm. usually, at this time of night, i don’t look to see who it is before i answer because chances are extremely high that it’s either renee or maggy. for some reason though, i looked at the caller id. and who should call? my ex.

yeah. apparently a friend of his had him go to the gwar show at amos’ over in southend and there were strobe lights that gave him a huge headache and since he had a walk to the lightrail and then a walk home from the lightrail, he decided that *i* would be the best person to call to tell about his evening.

somehow we stayed on the phone for an hour. he asked about renee and to see what was going on in her life. and my mom and brother, john. when i told him a brief story of something funny that happened at jack’s, he stopped me from talking for a minute so that he could tell me that he worries about me going out and that he wants me to be careful because he still cares about me.

this is seriously the most ridiculous thing i’ve ever heard of. before i even answered the phone my heart was racing and i honestly thought that it could have beat right out of my chest. he mentioned that he hasn’t been going out much (this is why he went to the show because amos’ isn’t one of the places i asked him not to go). he said that he’s only really been hanging out with bill (a mutual friend) and since bill is always at jack’s on the weekends, he never goes out. i made the dumb mistake of saying “well, you can do what you want. it’s just awkward.” to which he replied “thanks, i want to start going again.” i sent him a text later telling him that even though i said i was okay with it, that after thinking about it, i’m not ready to see him out in public and offered an apology.

i feel almost as if this has somewhat derailed all of the hard work i have put into getting over this. i’m at a complete loss for words and can’t sleep because my mind is racing. i don’t want to get back together with him. i’ve done a great job of just pretending like he doesn’t exist.. or never did.  like those six months were just a figment of my imagination. now that i’ve heard his voice again it’s become real again.


i don’t know what to do. all i know is that this is not okay and i need to sleep.