I must first say that this is NOT Jared W. Smith. This is some creep that I drunkenly gave my number to at Jack’s one night last weekend. Anyway, enjoy.

1:43am

Jared: Whats up?
Me: At the bar. You?
Jared: At a bar. where r u?
Me: Jack’s.
Jared: Havn fun? partyin? wanna hang?
Me: I gotta drive someone home and hang out with them for a bit. But yeah, havin fun.
Jared: K have a good one!

Phew. He’s gone… and better yet, isn’t coming up to Jack’s. Oh, I got another message. Wait, WHAT?

1:57am

Jared: Will u send me pix?
Me: Of what?
Jared: Of u. alone
Me: Uhhhhhhhhh I’m not alone.
Jared: But u can b
Me: Uhhhhhh I don’t hardly know you. I’m not that kind of girl.
Jared: I hear u. just thrown it out there.

Okay, I think this creep is finally gone. I’ve stopped responding. But when he decides to start messaging again, Ben took my phone and messaged him for me.

2:15am

Jared: U mad about it?
Me: Ooooh, my vid just got posted on lemonparty.org PLZ check it out (that was ben)
Jared: No access. sorry.
Me: Um, wut?

At this point, I’m thinking this guy just couldn’t get access to lemonparty on his computer from being on a wifi network. Yeah, sadly enough it’s blocked basically everywhere now.

Jared: No internet. sorry.
Me: Are you serious? What kind of phone do you have?
Jared: one that accepts pix
Me: No but seriously, what kind of phone do you have?
Jared: Does it matter?
Me: Yep.
Jared: Verizon gz1. indestructable but not the best 4 internet.
Me: Do you have a data plan?
Jared: Why

Seriously, when he didn’t just respond “yes” or “no” it made me feel like I’d asked some horribly inappropriate question. It’s not like I asked him how much he paid for rent. I didn’t even ask boxers or briefs.

Me: Am I not allowed to ask?
Jared: Sure. i have a plan!
Me: I don’t take people seriously if they don’t have data plans.
Jared: Then don’t take me seriously
Me: So you don’t have a data plan?
Jared: No idea

Fuck that noise. Come talk to my when you get a grownup’s phone and stop being such a creep.